1. Forward ports.
2. Use Hamachi.
3. Disable UPnP.
4. Pray to the connectivity Gods.
5. Wait until all the planets in the solar system are in perfect alignment.
6. Go to the mystical world of Far, Far away and acquire 17 magic beans from the ooh-noo-noo fruit.
FUCK SAKE.
Had a titful of routers!!! Why oh why do they make lovely firmware updates which just OVER-COMPLICATED and bloat the fucking UI.
GROWL.