Deus Ex Alpha

I don't know where I went wrong in my life. Since my second year in high I've had these thoughts running around my head, like a fly buzzing all the time. Its like, being bipolar, one minute im happy and one minute im not. Each day I see people and think "they're going to get better jobs than me" and stuff like "im never going to make it". I feel im irriating and under the fingernails of society. Each day im taken the piss out of, even by the intellectuals. I cannot think straight, I fear myself going insane each day and keep having rushing euphoric thoughts of suicide. I have a crowd who always follow me, I feel im destroying them. I feel each day im going to end up in some dead end job and to be honest I don't really care anymore. I dont believe in morals anymore, I dont believe in "the way of life". My dad just calls me a lazy fucker. I get no pleasure out of school work or doing sports. I feel braindead and fucked up. The only escape I can seem to get is either playing guitar, practicing my singing and getting high of something. However my dad said my head is full of magic, up in the clouds when I tell him about my musical ambitions. I suppose hes right. I now feel theres nothing worth living for now, my dreams are shattered morealess. However I do have a little faith left, I try to practice whenever I can but I think by the time im 16 or moving out, its going to be too late.

Thanks for your time guys.

Fuck the posers.

Nice post man.

My life has gone to shit as well.

I agree with alot of that, but not the bit about getting the piss taken out of me by the intellectuals, I'd knock their fucking block off.

your head might be up in the clouds but he has it up in the arse when it comes to musical ambitions. There is no reason you cant become a good guitar player, and likely youll do good at least some form of singing if you practice.. as it eventually comes to practice what ever you do.

Sucks not to get the feeling of support from parents when discussing your plans, but that doesnt mean you have to take anything they say regarding what is in the interest of you as pure gold.

You're not even 16 yet? Stop attention seeking.

Your very heartless you know AntiChrist?

No it's just this is utter bullshit. He's only 15, if that, and he's going on about how shit his life will be. If you're going to fail at school go to fucking college and stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you're feeling the same way in 15 years, then kill yourself

i had shit past at that age, and that pounded reason into my head before others of my age, apparently. Konami is a smart dude despite his age, and making a decision to quit music/singing at his age would be a waste. The sooner you learn something the better.
Anyone that disagrees can fuck off, seriously. I think some missed a point here.
Also, little attention never hurts either , as long as we dont explode his ego, like happened to smookster.

And I dont care if i get a warning for this post.. there should be a warning for ignorance.

lol I didn't see it was Konami, I would have been more polite in saying you're still fucking young lol

Life is just one big struggle, which only stops when you die. We are all insignificant little rats put on this earth to compete against each other to get ahead. You are a speck on the earth, as are we all. When you die 99.9999% of the population wont give a shit, insignificant shitty existence.

What do we actually live for? Its for family, for love and for friendships. That is all we really have. Some people dont even have that. What do they live for?

And most of us (i know i am guilty of it) just saunter through life, and dont actually make the most of it. It passes us by. At the moment all i do with my days (while i get a full-time graduate job) is sit in front of a computer, or watch a dvd. On the very rare occasion i may go shopping. And even when i do get a job, thats it. Every weekday up until i am 60 (if i make it that far) i will be doing the same thing, the same routine over and over. This is life. Is there more to it? Probably. Will i seek out a better life for myself? Probably not, like just about all of us.

Identity is what makes us

No shit you might think...

Konami wrote:I don't know where I went wrong in my life. Since my second year in high I've had these thoughts running around my head, like a fly buzzing all the time. Its like, being bipolar, one minute im happy and one minute im not. Each day I see people and think "they're going to get better jobs than me" and stuff like "im never going to make it". I feel im irriating and under the fingernails of society. Each day im taken the piss out of, even by the intellectuals. I cannot think straight, I fear myself going insane each day and keep having rushing euphoric thoughts of suicide. I have a crowd who always follow me, I feel im destroying them. I feel each day im going to end up in some dead end job and to be honest I don't really care anymore. I dont believe in morals anymore, I dont believe in "the way of life". My dad just calls me a lazy fucker. I get no pleasure out of school work or doing sports. I feel braindead and fucked up. The only escape I can seem to get is either playing guitar, practicing my singing and getting high of something. However my dad said my head is full of magic, up in the clouds when I tell him about my musical ambitions. I suppose hes right. I now feel theres nothing worth living for now, my dreams are shattered morealess. However I do have a little faith left, I try to practice whenever I can but I think by the time im 16 or moving out, its going to be too late.

Thanks for your time guys.

Fuck the posers.

You're prolly not gonna like this but I reckon one of the main parts you're feeling the way you are is because of hormones. (Gotta love puberty)

You're only 15, not even old enough to do anything with your life yet, so make the most of the freetime you have.

I hated school too, and I left when I was 15, however once I got into college I loved it. See if you can find any courses available at your nearest college (you're from Derbyshire right? I went to Chesterfield College). If you have no idea what you want to do (most kids your age don't) then maybe see a careers counsellor about it, or take one of those mini-test things that help you see where your skills lie.

You're not gonna achieve much out of life with a negative attitude, so try and force yourself to see the glass as half full. Keep up with playing music and everything, however stay in some form of education / modern apprenticeship because A - Its something to fall back on if music fails and B - Having grades behind you helps with a music career anyway, people are more likely to take you seriously rather than some random doss-about.

Lazer wrote:Life is just one big struggle, which only stops when you die. We are all insignificant little rats put on this earth to compete against each other to get ahead. You are a speck on the earth, as are we all. When you die 99.9999% of the population wont give a shit, insignificant shitty existence.

What do we actually live for? Its for family, for love and for friendships. That is all we really have. Some people dont even have that. What do they live for?

And most of us (i know i am guilty of it) just saunter through life, and dont actually make the most of it. It passes us by. At the moment all i do with my days (while i get a full-time graduate job) is sit in front of a computer, or watch a dvd. On the very rare occasion i may go shopping. And even when i do get a job, thats it. Every weekday up until i am 60 (if i make it that far) i will be doing the same thing, the same routine over and over. This is life. Is there more to it? Probably. Will i seek out a better life for myself? Probably not, like just about all of us.

Thats a rather depressing way of thinking.

What do you personally live for? It doesn't have to be anything major at all, it can be something such as wanting to travel to a certain country or getting a job you like or whatever.

Life changes around you and everyone else so much that what you live for will also change. You'll lose old friends, make new ones, you'll have to make major life-changing decisions, you might even want and end up having a family.

No-one is an 'insignificant little rat' as everyone has an impact on everyone else in some shape or form.

As for the better life for yourself comment mentioned on the last couple of lines, I have to disagree personally, because I'm constantly seeking a better life for myself.

What I want to gain in life is to get a satisfying job after my degree, move into an area where I'll actually be safer, and get married. That'll help me get a better life for myself. I also want to be able to give some form of support to my parents because their health keeps deteriorating so rapidly.. Both of them ended up in hospital again this week on separate occasions.. It kills me that I can barely support myself let alone them (livin off £15 a week atm! Thats including food, drink, fags, and all other essentials).

Lazer, I think when you get a full time grad-job things will pick up for you, as it'll open up so many doors. You'll have more money, which can lead to security, travelling, treating yourself, a mortgage etc. Plus you'll be busy, and you'll really appreciate having days off where you can just sit around and relax. : )

Lazer, I think when you get a full time grad-job things will pick up for you, as it'll open up so many doors. You'll have more money, which can lead to security, travelling, treating yourself, a mortgage etc. Plus you'll be busy, and you'll really appreciate having days off where you can just sit around and relax. : )

He's too emo to know the word relax.

Hah, when I'm "depressed" or going through a struggle, I do the two things that make me happy:

Listen to death metal and model.

Chococat wrote:What do you personally live for? It doesn't have to be anything major at all, it can be something such as wanting to travel to a certain country or getting a job you like or whatever.

I live because i am alive, and family and gf and friends. and for women (how shallow is that). I wouldnt want to die or anything!! but as i said, i feel as if i am coasting through life, and i am thinking, is this it? or is there so much more to life?

Chococat wrote:No-one is an 'insignificant little rat' as everyone has an impact on everyone else in some shape or form.

actually, you are right there. we do have an impact on each other, but still, in the WHOLE scheme of things, i still think we are insignificant. as far as the world is concerned, i am not important. of course, to my friends & family i will be.

Chococat wrote:What I want to gain in life is to get a satisfying job after my degree, move into an area where I'll actually be safer, and get married.

see that is fine, for you and will be for many people.... and i am glad you have got a plan and no doubt you will get those things and live a fulfilled life. BUT, for me.... i dont know if that is enough. i want to do other things, ive got a need for adventure and thrills that just aren't practical. as you say, now i have probably not got enough money to travel and do all those exciting things, but when i get a job, that will take a huge chunk of my lifestyle and maybe i wont have time available to do what i want to then either.

Chococat wrote:Lazer, I think when you get a full time grad-job things will pick up for you, as it'll open up so many doors. You'll have more money, which can lead to security, travelling, treating yourself, a mortgage etc. Plus you'll be busy, and you'll really appreciate having days off where you can just sit around and relax. : )

dont get me wrong, im not down or depressed as my post may seem. it was just an honest reflection of my outlook on what life is. everyone can idolise life but in reality it is very much different. the last sentence you are defo right though! when i was in uni/college/school i was thinking, "wish i was at home, cant wait for the hols" etc but when you're at home all day you're thinking "wish i was doing something worthwhile!".

Derek wrote:those kids that are into that "popular" techno/trance scene, go raving in clubs and use those fancy glo-sticks and wave them in the air.

i wasn't aware that trance was popular. its probably about as popular as what you listen to, i.e. not very.

Derek wrote:A scemo is someone I consider to be following trends because their friends do it.

actually, most of my friends dislike trance music, only a couple do like it. so i guess that rules me out of your labelling

Derek wrote:But meh, what do I know, I'm an argument-crazed loon!

least you got something right.

Thanks for comments, Emma.

Im just fucking wasted listening to megadeth now.

Attention seeking? Try fucking it up from a young age. I guess you see me as a kid dressed in black antichrist or whoever the fuck you are.

i might just live on a mountain and take ketamine.

Anti, when your minds fucked, everything seems fucked.
gg. laters

Konami wrote:Thanks for comments, Emma.

Im just fucking wasted listening to megadeth now.

Attention seeking? Try fucking it up from a young age. I guess you see me as a kid dressed in black antichrist or whoever the fuck you are.

i might just live on a mountain and take ketamine.

Anti, when your minds fucked, everything seems fucked.
gg. laters

No probs, always here. ; )

I'm in a depressing mood at the moment, as someone has unlawfully taken all the remaining money out of my bank account without my permission and left me in debt which is growing at around 30% / 40% interest a day coz I don't even have a fucking overdraft. I have no money and no food whatsoever, so its starvation time for a week til I get paid or til the bank finds out who damn bloody well nicked my money from my account
This is the second time my bank has fucked up my finances in the last 4 months or so.
I feel like shit.

Chococat wrote:

Konami wrote:Thanks for comments, Emma.

Im just fucking wasted listening to megadeth now.

Attention seeking? Try fucking it up from a young age. I guess you see me as a kid dressed in black antichrist or whoever the fuck you are.

i might just live on a mountain and take ketamine.

Anti, when your minds fucked, everything seems fucked.
gg. laters

No probs, always here. ; )

I'm in a depressing mood at the moment, as someone has unlawfully taken all the remaining money out of my bank account without my permission and left me in debt which is growing at around 30% / 40% interest a day coz I don't even have a fucking overdraft. I have no money and no food whatsoever, so its starvation time for a week til I get paid or til the bank finds out who damn bloody well nicked my money from my account
This is the second time my bank has fucked up my finances in the last 4 months or so.
I feel like shit.

I blame the government

Chococat wrote:No probs, always here. ; )

I'm in a depressing mood at the moment, as someone has unlawfully taken all the remaining money out of my bank account without my permission and left me in debt which is growing at around 30% / 40% interest a day coz I don't even have a fucking overdraft. I have no money and no food whatsoever, so its starvation time for a week til I get paid or til the bank finds out who damn bloody well nicked my money from my account
This is the second time my bank has fucked up my finances in the last 4 months or so.
I feel like shit.

It could be worse. Not sure how, but i'm always told "There's always someone worse off than yourself in this world.". I'd lend you some £££, but being on an under-16's account means I can't pay money into other peoples accounts... =( Just out of interest, which bank do you use?

Emma, sounds bad shit. I can only hope for you that things get better.

As for me, i'll probably get some shit job labouring to fund myself some explosives

Chococat wrote:No probs, always here. ; )

I'm in a depressing mood at the moment, as someone has unlawfully taken all the remaining money out of my bank account without my permission and left me in debt which is growing at around 30% / 40% interest a day coz I don't even have a fucking overdraft. I have no money and no food whatsoever, so its starvation time for a week til I get paid or til the bank finds out who damn bloody well nicked my money from my account
This is the second time my bank has fucked up my finances in the last 4 months or so.
I feel like shit.

I'd gladly lend u some, not that i need it for anything in the near future but.......

1) ur a complete stranger (even though for some strange reason i'd trust u)

2) it would probably be alot of hassle

3) your a student and probably couldnt give it me back till the second part of your loan comes in

what about your bf? im sure he'd see you right till your bank sorts it.

40% interest a day? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Think I better get a job 4 days ago

Ahh I'm with NatWest, no student account though, i'll slap the tits off them bitches if they con me! lol Glad you sorted your money out too

Glad you got the finaces sorted out Emma. My brother just finished uni last year and he's up to his neck in debt.

I'm debt free

Ahhh the beauty of living at home while at uni.

Konami wrote:Emma, sounds bad shit. I can only hope for you that things get better.

As for me, i'll probably get some shit job labouring to fund myself some explosives

The fuck you will!

Your just going through a bad time. Like Ms.Cat said - You don't know what your going to do with your life yet. If you are ambitious about music, go to a music\arts school, and further your learning of that. If your not completely sure, talk to the career teacher in your school, grill him. If he doesn't know, go to Connexions. They are more helpful than you'd think.

Living on a mountain is never the awnser. NEVER THE AWNSER. Thats just a fancy way of quitting. And quitters suck ass.

What if the mountain in question happened to be a music mountain?

Snakey wrote:What if the mountain in question happened to be a music mountain?

Illogical, thus, irrelevant.

he could go play the banjo on a mountain, busking for the sherpas, hence realising his musical ambition. i hear it pays well too.